Oh, yeah, baby. We’re about to get into the campiest shit you’ve ever seen. It’s 1980, it’s Flash Gordon, it’s scored by motherfucking Queen. Let’s get into it.

Flash Gordon (1980)

★★★★★ - must see

Starring:

Sam J. Jones (Flash Gordon)

Melody Anderson (Dale Arden)

Max von Sydow (Emperor Ming)

Brian Blessed (Prince Vultan)

Timothy Dalton (Prince Barin)

Cornelia Muti (Princess Aura)

We’re already familiar with most of these characters from the original movie, so we can jump right in. The storyline basically follows that of the first half of the original movie, but it’s more coherent.

Ming is out in space just fucking up Earth for fun. He has a machine with a bunch of buttons that cause natural disasters, including “hot hail.” I hope he pushes that button.

Oh shit, he does! It’s smoking as it hits the ground! Flash Gordon has the exact same station wagon as Mike’s mom in Stranger Things. He’s sitting in it beside a runway and here comes Dale Arden and she gets on a plane and Flash also gets on and ARE THEY GOING TO HAVE TO JUMP OUT OF IT? (No.)

In this universe Flash is a hot shot football quarterback I guess, famous enough that the pilots of the airplane know who he is. One of them asks for an autograph for his son “Buzz.” He introduces himself to Dale but she already knows who she is, because: famous. She’s a travel agent. Flash already knows that because he saw her at the hotel and started stalking her. Now he asks a lot of personal questions like why were you alone at the hotel?? Uh, none of your business, Flash. He starts to mansplain turbulence to her. Dude, she’s a travel agent, she’s probably familiar.

Some kind of red smoke takes over the sky, with hot hail and lightning and shit! And wind and an eclipse! Ming’s having a grand old time.

Some hot hail crashes through a Quonset hut looking thing that appears to be the abode of a couple of scientists. One of them is your friend and mine, Dr. Zarkov. Zarkov (“formerly of NASA”) has been trying to explain the weird weather events but he’s considered “irrational” by other scientists. His sidekick is Dr. Munson, played by Otis from Superman. Zarkov loves to point at things emphatically.

Zarkov realizes this is an attack, and he has a rocket ready to go for a counterattack. Dr. Munson is not interested in helping with this endeavor. Zarkov pulls a gun on him, but Munson flees.

A meteor with Ming’s face on it crashes into the cockpit of the plane and vaporizes the pilots. “What the hell?!” says Flash Gordon. Indeed. Flash and Dale have to land the plane themselves. “This isn’t my scene,” Dale says. Indeed.

Wouldn’t you know, Flash and Dale crash-land the plane in Markov’s lab (I think maybe killing Munson in the process?). Zarkov puts his gun behind his back and acts suspiciously friendly as he tells them that his phone is… in his rocket? They fall for it and now they’re stuck on the rocket with Zarkov and they’re going to space with him to stop the mysterious attack that’s going to result in the moon crashing into earth. Flash tries to jump Zarkov, but ends up throwing him head first into the launch button. Nice one, Flash.

The rocket special effects are exactly as good as the ones in the original Flash Gordon, but benefit from an understanding of how rockets to space actually work.

Everyone in the rocket passes out during takeoff, but the rocket finds its way into a swirling, psychedelic space storm. This is, we learn, the Imperial Vortex.

The 1980 aesthetics of this movie are just top notch.

Ming’s goons allow the rocket to land, and when Flash tries to be friendly (like the giant doofus he is) he gets tasered. The earthlings are taken up into the floating city by some golden Skeletors, and then a floating orb takes them to see Ming. And here he comes, in all his glory. Ooh, his daughter is really pretty in this movie (apologies to OG Aura but this one looks kind of like Scarlett Johansson with a sick cateye, and she’s wearing a gold bikini).

So apparently what’s going on here is all the people Ming has subjugated on the moons of Mongo are here to pay tribute. Vultan, leader of the Hawkmen, presents Ming with the Ice Jewel of Frigia, but before he can, James Bond Prince Barin of Arboria sweeps in and shouts that the Ice Jewel is HIS tribute to Ming and Vultan stole it! They draw steel but the seneschal tells them to stop and the question of whose tribute the Ice Jewel is is never settled.

“This Ming is a psycho,” Flash whispers to Dale.

“THIS MING IS A PSYCHO,” blares the floating robot. Thus Flash comes to Ming’s attention.

Aura catches Flash’s eye, and Dale catches Ming’s. Ming puts Dale into a trance immediately, not even bothering to try to for consent first. Dale looks like she might orgasm on the spot.

“Did you ever see such a response?” Ming asks his assistant.

“No. She almost rivals your daughter,” the assistant says. UHHHHH WHAT?? Ming is using this on his daughter?

“What happened to me?” Dale asks when it’s over.

“I don’t know but it was pretty sensational!” Flash enthuses. Gross.

The minions try to take Dale away and Flash initiates a fight scene. He grabs one of the giant eggs that someone brought as tribute (it looks like a watermelon) and uses it like a football for absolutely no reason at all. He’s psyching them all out with his football tricks! The crowd goes wild! Dale shakes her tits like a cheerleader! But then Flash knocks himself out with his own egg-football, the dummy.

Aura talks to Ming in a sexy baby voice and plays with his beard while she asks to have Flash. Uhhhhhh. Ming declines because her “hobbies” are too dangerous. Instead he’s going to execute Flash? I mean, sounds like Aura could have handled that for you.

Aura is engaged to James Bond Prince Barin, and tells him to go back to his own kingdom and she’ll meet him there. He calls her a lying bitch so I guess he noticed that she’s super into Flash. But he does what he’s told anyway.

Flash is strung up in the dungeon and, as a final request, asks to see Dale. She’s dragged in wearing her Emperor’s Concubine dress and crown. “You look great,” Flash says. Wrong thing to say to a woman dressed by her rapist, Flash.

Also, there’s a guy hanging in the background who’s dressed in totally normal earth clothes, unlike anyone else in the Floating City. Who is this man? Where did he come from? What is his crime? I’m pretty sure he’s just a production assistant.

Flash and Dale pretend that this is all a dream and they’ll wake up back at the hotel in Dark Harbor and this time Flash is going to talk to her instead of stalking her. Good plan.

Alas, it’s not to be. Flash is taken to the gas chamber and MURDERED. Then he’s put in a super nice mausoleum with a very fancy headstone.

That’s it for today! These movie recaps are getting so long I’m going to start splitting them into parts.