1.22: Leave it to Beaver

Score: 21

We’re here, at the end of the season, heads are still spinning from the events of last episode. To recap: Veronica found out who was responsible for drugging (Madison, accidentally) and raping (Duncan, but also kind of accidentally) her at Shelly Pomroy’s party; she and Logan took their relationship public (…also accidentally) but then she discovered his creepy sex video setup; Keith found the sex worker who is Abel Koontz’s actual alibi for the night Lilly was killed; Keith tracked down Duncan and brought him home, but Celeste denied him the reward money; and Leanne Mars turned up out of nowhere, newly sober, just when Veronica had accepted that her dad was happy with Wallace’s mom, Alicia.

Did I get everything?

Characters (+4)

• Leanne (-1)

• Cliff (+1)

• Dick (+1)

• Beaver (+1)

• Aaron (+1)

• Backup (+1)

Plot/story: 10/10

Once again, episode story and season story are inseparable, so we’ll score the whole thing out of ten points.

We open with Keith trying to talk his journalist buddy into interviewing sex worker “Cheyenne." He goes home to discover the results of the DNA test he secretly did on Veronica in the mail, but when he sees Veronica having fun in the kitchen with Leanne, he dejectedly puts them away unopened.

I need to go on just a little bit of a rant here, excuse me. I really can’t stand Leanne, and it’s not because she clearly has no moral compunctions about stealing from her own child (spoiler) but just because she’s stupid and annoying. As Keith walks in, Leanne and Veronica have spoons in their mouths as they chop onions, and they’re giggling like fiends. Leanne claims that this trick keeps your eyes from tearing up from the onion fumes, which, dumb. She then ORDERS Keith to turn on the radio “like old times,” like, lady, you’ve been here, he just walked in. If you wanted the goddamned radio on you could have turned it on yourself. It’s not like Keith is the only one with the highly technical knowledge of how to turn on a radio.

Keith nevertheless obeys, and it’s funny that the radio is already tuned to playing some really schmaltzy 1960s song (Where the Boys Are, by Connie Francis, thanks tunefind!) because I guess that’s what Keith listens to when he’s alone.

Leanne immediately chides Keith, “Keith, tacos!” like what a dumb shit you are, Keith! when he just did her a favor. Keith snorts and shakes his head, and maybe this is supposed to be like “oh, Leanne, you card, with your dinner music shenanigans” head-shaking but to me it reads as “oh, Leanne, you bitch, I can never do anything right, can I” head-shaking.

There follows a really dumb conversation about how Leanne’s dinner music has to match her mood. “Connie Francis is spaghetti bolognese with crusty bread and a nice chianti.” Keith gives her a dude, really? look and Leanne remembers she’s a fucking drunk and adds, “Uh, sans the chianti.”

Veronica gives her a dinner music pop quiz: hot dogs and tater tots? Late 70s southern rock, Skynyrd, maybe Creedence. Pork chops: country, old school.

“Unless they’re fried,” Keith interjects, “then it’s Elvis, the early years,” and I’m not imagining it, he is fed up with Leanne and her bullshit. This rigid behavior has long since ceased to amuse him, if it ever did. But he turns the radio to Mexican music for her (La Bamba, not the Richie Valenz version but a much earlier one). Satisfied, Leanne takes a big swig from her water bottle. Remember this for later. Veronica smiles like all is well in the world.

Wake up, Veronica, can you not see the tension between your parents? Do you not remember the part where Keith said he didn’t want Leanne to be found? Maybe the writers of this episode didn’t grow up in a house where the parents didn’t get a long, but I did, and I can tell you I had a highly developed sixth sense for when there was any tension, and I think Veronica would, too.

Okay, enough with that whole scene. We cut to Keith in his office, where he’s opened the DNA results after all and Enrico gives us an expressionless expression in which we can see the wheel’s turning in Keith’s mind, but we don’t get any clue as to which way the results came out. Cliff interrupts him, walking into his office wondering why Keith wants to sue the Kanes. Keith assures him they’ll settle.

Keith’s newspaper buddy has published the bombshell information that Koontz can’t possibly have killed Lilly. We see Dick and Beaver reading the newspaper, looking uncharacteristically alarmed. (Well, it’s actually pretty customary for Beaver to look alarmed.)

“There’s phone records, man!” Beaver sweats.

“To the grave, man,” Dick replies. “That’s what we said.” Ruh-roh! What are they hiding?

Veronica and Wallace are also reading the newspaper and gloating. Veronica catches sight of Logan in the hallway and dodges him. Keith breaks up with Alicia. NO, KEITH. FORGET ABOUT KEEPING YOUR FAMILY TOGETHER. LEANNE IS TOXIC. Alicia leaves as Veronica walks in, and Keith tells Veronica that they broke up. Veronica—who already knows that a) Keith is miserable with Leanne and b) Keith is happy with Alicia, says, “she’s gotta understand, though, right?” Oh, sure, Veronica, everyone understands that Keith should stay with the woman who cheated on him and abandoned him! And, let us not forget, also neglected to tell you that you were in a relationship with your brother.

Jake and Celeste Kane are in the kitchen looking at a seating chart for some shindig they’re planning. “Don’t sit the entertainment people next to the corporate people,” Jake advises. Duncan interrupts them by walking in and slamming down the newspaper.

“So, anyone read the paper today?” he demands. “Garfield! I mean, will he ever learn?” That’s the only legitimately funny thing Duncan has ever said, and it still doesn’t rise to the level of an iconic line.

Celeste insists that the Koontz-alibi story is “hogwash.” “The woman was a prostitute, for God’s sake!” Fortunately Duncan is more progressive than his mother and doesn’t believe that sex workers can only lie. His parents lie, that’s who! He demands that they tell him the truth.

Jake looks him in the eye. “You wanna know, Duncan?”

Duncan affirms that he does.

“You killed your sister.”

Woah! That’s simultaneously huge and underwhelming. We see yet another flashback to the day of Lilly’s death, this time from the Kanes' perspective. They came home to find Duncan cradling Lilly’s dead and bloody body by the pool and just assumed that Duncan must have murdered her in one of his “fits.” He’s semi-catatonic (as Veronica found him later that evening), and they can’t get anything out of them so naturally the first conclusion you’d jump in this situation is your son is guilty as fuck. They don’t even know at this point that Lilly didn’t hit her head by accident!

Anyway. The Kane’s aren’t the smartest and have an exceedingly strange relationship with both their children. Their first concern is to make sure Duncan’s future as president of the United States isn’t derailed by people finding out that a) he has some kind of mysterious epilepsy and b) he killed his sister. So they called Clarence Weedman for help in faking Lilly’s time of death and threw Duncan’s bloody soccer uniform in the wash, just as Keith suspected.

As Jake comforts Duncan, Celeste answers the doorbell and returns to the kitchen in disgust. “Keith Mars is suing us!” Jake gives her a now is not the time glare. I love this little glimpse into how Celeste just doesn't give a shit about Lilly’s death.

Beaver finds Veronica in the journalism room. His conscience is just eating him up! Remember this for next season. He tells Veronica that Logan lied about being in Mexico with him and Dick on the day Lilly died. He’d actually come back early from Mexico, because he was preoccupied with the knowledge that Lilly was dating someone new. (Lilly and Logan were “off again” at that point, remember, because Lilly had found out about him kissing the rapper’s daughter whose name I don’t remember.)

Nooooo! Was it Logan all along? Beaver says Logan had bought Lilly a shot glass, (she collected them) and went home to give it to her. Keith looks through the police report and discovers that the shot glass was found in Lilly’s car, so Logan clearly found her.

Veronica and Logan seem to be the only two people present in the entire school the next day. I can’t tell if they’re both they’re super early or super late. Anyway, Veronica goes up to Logan with a fake apology about how everything was just too much and that’s why she ran out the night of the party and then avoided talking to him for days afterward. Logan points out, reasonably, that she could have just told him she that in the first place instead of giving him the cold shoulder for no discernible reason. Logan says he’s also freaked out, what with this whole Abel Koontz thing. Knowing what they know about Duncan… he has a feeling things are about to get “really bad.”

Veronica immediately calls Keith and announces that Logan is trying to pin it on Duncan! And whoops, I guess Logan and Veronica weren’t alone in the school because Weevil was lurking in an empty classroom for some reason and overheard her!

Obviously, for the first-time viewer, this is all very tense. We have good reason right now to believe that Duncan did it, and to believe that Logan did it. Duncan has violent fits thanks to his mystery epilepsy, and Logan is a sociopath. Veronica sure knows how to pick ‘em. (I mean, Troy was a drug dealer, and even Leo had a disturbing predilection for teenage girls, you know?)

Keith and Cliff meet with Celeste and Anonymous Kane Lawyer in a conference room. Celeste agrees to pay Keith, if Veronica signs away any claim to the Kane fortune. Cliff is intensely confused, but Keith knows exactly what she means and agrees to let Veronica make the decision.

The exchange that follows is so sweet and wholesome it almost makes up for the dinner music thing. Keith explains the terms of the deal to Veronica. Veronica signs without hesitation.

“Do you know what you just signed away?” Keith asks with tears in his voice.

“There’s nothing that I want from them,” Veronica says.

“Nothing,” Keith repeats. Veronica looks blank. “You didn’t sign away a thing,” Keith continues, pulling out the DNA results. “I am, without a doubt, your father.”

Veronica bursts into tears and hugs him.

“You think that charm of yours is learned behavior? That’s genetics, baby!” Keith crows.

These two are the best actors in the show by far, and this is a great scene from both of them.

Anyway, back to the real plot. Keith says that, now that Logan’s alibi is blown, he’s ready to go to the authorities. Veronica nods, but has a hard time maintaining her smile. Deep down, she doesn’t really think he did it. Or maybe she just doesn’t want to believe it.

Sheriff Lamb shows up at the Echolls home with a warrant to search Logan’s room. Lamb also helpfully tells Aaron that these “crafty little buggers” like to hide things in air conditioning vents, a tip we know must have come from Veronica. Aaron demands to know where his son is.

Lamb doesn’t know, but we do! He’s at the almost-abandoned school again! He sure likes to hang around outside of school hours. Weevil’s on his tail, and he’s holding a pipe. Uh oh. Logan’s saved by Deputy Sacks picking him up for questioning.

Lamb interrogates Logan. Logan maintains his usual, smirking kiss-my-ass attitude in the face of authority, and uses his phone call to ask Veronica to do some of “Veronica magic” to get him out of there. As Veronica tells him sure, no problem, the camera angle goes all tilty to unsettle us. Lamb laughs at Logan and reveals that Veronica was the one who turned him in. Logan’s heart breaks before our eyes. (Or maybe that's just a killer realizing that he's screwed.) Keith calls Lamb to find out what went down with Logan. Lamb says they had to release him after he lawyered up, and oh yeah, looks like he might be dating Veronica. Keith is not happy. He asks Leanne, who’s acting all happy-housewife and dusting the house with a rag, where Veronica is, and Leanne says she took Backup out.

We go to dog beach, which is apparently where all the people from the empty school are because it’s packed. A crowd of surfers breaks up and Logan is revealed, standing ominously in wait as Veronica walks by with Backup.

Logan is angry. He calls Veronica a heartless bitch. It’s always been sad to me that Jason Doehring didn’t seem to catch on outside of this show, because he really gives Logan so much nuance. You can see and hear the hurt underneath Logan’s rage. As we all know, he’s really an injured and unloved little boy beneath his glib veneer. How could Veronica think that he would have hurt Lilly? Shouldn’t she know him better than that? But Logan, being Logan, can’t express anger in a healthy way. He tells Veronica to stick her head in an oven.

“So you’re saying you want me dead?” she challenges.

“Yes,” Logan says, like a seventeen-year-old idiot.

Veronica warns him that Backup will rip his throat out. Logan sniffs back his tears and laughs humorlessly as he hunkers down to pet Backup. As he does, he explains that he knew Lilly was seeing someone and he felt he had to see her, though he didn’t know whether he wanted to fight or make up. He saw her at the carwash, all happy, and realized it was over. He wrote her a good-bye note and stuck it in her car with the shot glass. End of story.

Veronica is starting to soften. She wants to believe him. But before they can discuss it any further, Keith shows up, honking his horn and screaming at Logan to get away from his daughter.

Poor Logan says, “I keep thinking things can’t get any worse,” as he backs away.

The breakup note wasn’t found in the car with the shot glass. Veronica figures that Lilly might have hidden the note in her air conditioning vent with her other secrets (like naked photos men send her). She needs to get into the Kane house and see if it’s there so she can exonerate Logan, or at least feel more certain that he was lying to her.

Veronica decides to infiltrate the Kane’s dinner party that we saw them planning earlier. Her cater-waiter disguise is ridiculous (see below). On her way out the door, she grabs Leanne’s water bottle, takes a swig, and spits it out into the sink. It’s vodka. She calls the rehab facility her Mom recently vacated.

We don’t get any resolution to that, though. Next scene, she’s at another of the Kane’s very dark parties, dropping her catering tray and sneaking into Lilly’s room to open the a/c vent. And oh my Goddddd the closet door behind her slowly opens! Someone’s already in there! Who is it?? Is it Duncan? Logan? Weevil???

Well, it’s not Duncan, because Duncan walks in on her. Like Logan, he’s really not happy about Veronica accusing him of murder; but Duncan actually has reason to believe he is the murderer, and to not want Veronica to find proof. But Veronica surprises him by saying she doesn’t think he’s the murderer. His best friend is!

Whoever’s in the closet—whom we now must suspect is Logan—listens to Veronica explain her theory of the crime to Duncan, and that she’s looking for the letter he claims will prove he didn’t kill her. If she actually believes it’s Logan, though, she must actually be looking for the absence of such a letter.

Veronica and Duncan don’t find the letter in the air vent. Instead, they find a bunch of mini-video tapes. (For those of you who didn't live through the early 2000s, there was a phase between the first cam-corders that used VCR tapes and digital cameras that used no tapes, where cameras used these fun-sized tapes that wouldn't fit into a VCR for playback, so you had to hook the camera up to a TV to watch them.) Duncan has a camera and TV in his room they can play them on, because he's rich. They rush off to his room, while we zoom in on the closet.

The video tapes show the secret sex setup in Logan’s pool house, and things are not looking good for Logan. Lilly flops on the bed in her pep-squad outfit from the carwash, the day of her murder. We see her make the exact same discovery Veronica did: the camera above the bed, and the line leading to the video cabinet. Then it cuts to static.

The other tape, dated October 1—a couple weeks before her death—shows Lilly in the bed again, this time in flagrant delicto. Obviously with Logan, right? Duncan looks away, uncomfortable with watching his sister’s sex tape.

Then the couple change positions, and the face of AARON ECHOLLS is revealed. He looks straight into the hidden camera, smirking.

The soundtrack gives an ominous chord and Veronica says “Oh my God!!!” at the exact same moment. So do we all at home.

Veronica puts everything together in an instant. This was Lilly’s secret that she never got the chance to tell. She was sleeping with Aaron. She discovered the sex tape set up and stole the tapes. Aaron discovered the theft and followed her home, demanding them back. She refused (You can watch the on Access Hollywood along with the rest of America, Veronica imagines her saying). Aaron picks up a big heavy ashtray that the Kanes keep by their pool for some reason even though none of them seem to smoke. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if Celeste was a secret smoker. Anyway, Aaron hits her across the temple with it, killing her instantly. He throws the ashtray into the pool and runs, without discovering where Lilly put the tapes. Duncan comes home from soccer, finds Lilly’s body, and goes into a fugue state. His parents come home, find him like that, and immediately assume that he killed her and institute Operation: Cover-Up. In Veronica’s imaginary version of this, Jake is way more focused on Lilly’s death than we saw in his own re-creation, shaking Duncan and screaming What did you do?!

Veronica tells Duncan to keep his eye on Aaron, who’s here at the party, while she takes the tapes to her dad. Just before running out the door, she gives him the good news: she’s not his sister!

Veronica calls Keith to tell him about the tapes. Keith tells her to come straight home. Veronica tries to call Logan to tell him the good(?) news that his dad is the one who killed Lilly. But Logan’s too busy balancing on the side of the Cornado Bridge--the one his mother jumped from--to pick up his phone. He’s also swigging from a bottle. Before he can decide whether to jump, the PCHers pull up on their motorcycles.

Let’s take a moment here to appreciate what Logan’s been through. His father beats him. His mother committed suicide. His girlfriend cheated on him, repeatedly. Then she was murdered. When he was finally starting to get over that and move on with Veronica, she accused him first of raping her, then of murdering Lilly. You can see why Logan doesn’t feel he has a lot to live for, at the moment. So when he smiles at the violent motorcycle gang and dares them to bring it on, you can’t help but feel a little sad for him.

Duncan calls Veronica on her drive home and says he can’t find Aaron anywhere! And that’s because he’s in the fucking backseat of Veronica’s car. She catches sight of his eyes in the rearview mirror and screams. He grabs her phone and her bag, taking out the tapes, and tells her to keep driving. Veronica yanks her seatbelt to lock it and drives into a telephone pole.

Veronica comes to sooner than Aaron does, thanks to her seatbelt. He’s been thrown all the way into the front seat. She retrieves the tapes, but not her phone, before he starts to sound like he’s waking up. She runs to the nearest house and bangs on the door, screaming for help. We’re all very tense right now. We’ve just had two Aaron-related jump scares, and the scene is very dark. Kristen Bell’s young-girl’s-screams-of-terror are very convincing.

Veronica turns away from the door after getting no answer, and sees that the passenger side door of her car is open. Aaron is awake. She hides the tapes and continues trying to get a response from inside the house. A man comes to a sliding glass door, and then immediately collapses. Aaron appears in his place and... punches Veronica through the glass, I guess? All we see is his fist coming at her.

We cut to a black screen and Aaron’s distorted voice. “You’re a bit of an odd duck, Veronica,” he said calmly. “I mean, how many teenage girls keep walkie-talkies in their car?” REMEMBER THAT FROM LAST EPISODE? VERONICA SAID SHE HAD TO KEEP HER WALKIE-TALKIES IN HER CAR BECAUSE HER LOCKER WAS SO FILTHY?

By the red glow of walkie-talkie “on” light, Veronica discovers she’s been trapped in a sealed box--a big freezer unit, in fact. Aaron taunts her via walkie-talkie, demanding to know where the tapes are. Veronica refuses, and Aaron douses the freezer and surrounding porch with gasoline, all the while chatting amiably about Joan of Arc’s brain tumor that caused her to be burned alive for no reason. Then he hisses Veronicaaaaaaa wherearethetapes in the creepiest ASMR ever.

Veronica relents and tells him they’re on the roof, which is partially true -- she threw one of them up there. Aaron goes up after it, and right at that moment Keith arrives. Having been unable to reach her on her phone, he started driving towards the Kane mansion and saw her car. He calls Veronica’s name, and Aaron leaps on him from the roof. They fight, and Keith finally gets the upper hand. But Aaron -- thinking he has all the evidence, even though he only has part of it -- throws his lighter into the puddle of gasoline and laughs at Keith. While Keith tries to save the screaming Veronica from her fiery tomb, Aaron runs off.

Keith gets Veronica out of the freezer, but his suit catches fire in the process. Veronica extinguishes him.

Aaron goes to Veronica’s car and takes the keys, but her car’s pretty fucked up. Fortunately her keychain also has keys for Keith’s car! Aaron gets into Keith’s car, and guess who’s in the back seat this time? It’s Backup. And this time Backup really is ready to rip a throat out. Aaron scrambles out of the car and gets plowed by a floral delivery truck. The delivery guy gets out of the truck and realizes he just ran over the star of Breaking Point and Beyond the Breaking Point. Before he can try to help Aaron, Veronica turns up with Keith’s gun and instructs the man to call 911.

Everyone arrives simultaneously, including Jake and Duncan Kane. Jake has just finally realized that he mistakenly accused his son of killing Lilly and obstructed justice, for no reason. It’s like he gets to mourn for Lilly for the first time. He screams at Aaron and has to be dragged away by Sheriff Lamb.

Veronica accompanies Keith to the hospital, where the doctor asks if there’s someone he can call. She says yes. But she doesn’t tell him to call Leanne, because we cut to Veronica arriving home to Leanne’s worried questions. Veronica tells Leanne to PACK HER SHIT. She knows everything now: Leanne didn’t stop drinking, she didn’t finish rehab. She checked herself out, after Veronica spent her college money trying to get Leanne help. Leanne whines that “it’s not easy.” Look, I know addiction is a heavy burden to bear. But that doesn’t not make the way you treat your husband and child okay, ma’am.

And then what does Leanne do next? SHE STEALS THE $50K KANE CHECK OUT OF VERONICA’S BAG. She steals Veronica’s college money AGAIN. And she doesn’t look the least bit sorry while she does it.

Fuck off into the sun, Leanne.

So who did the hospital call for Keith? Alicia, of course. She’s there at Keith’s bedside when he wakes up.

Veronica has a pleasant dream of floating in a pool of water lilies with Lilly. Closure has been achieved. But that means that it’s time for Lilly’s ghost to rest, and for Veronica to go on with her Lilly-less life.

She’s awoken by a knock on the door at 3am. She opens it, smiles, and says, “I was hoping it would be you.” Fade to black.

BUT WHO IS IT? Duncan? Logan? Weevil??? Tune in next season to find out.

Iconic Lines: (+7)

• Cliff: Seems like you have this pretty well sewn up. Anything you need me to have notarized?

• Veronica and Wallace simultaneously: Do me a favor?

• Celeste, surveying their party’s seating arrangement: Jake, honey, when did we become Republicans?

• The whole “I am without a doubt your father” scene.

• Aaron, having already been shown a warrant: “Woah woah woah woah, you can’t just burst in here!” Sheriff Lamb: “Oh, come on, now. You’ve been in like, what, thirty cop movies?”

• Lilly: Celeste’s a little on the nosey side. I left phone numbers and matchbooks for Tyrone and Leroy and Chico around the room. Give the woman a little drama in her life. Veronica: Who are Tyrone and Leroy and Chico? Lilly: Beats me. But they seamed to really upset Mom.

• Logan’s inspirational quote of the day on his voice mail: Adversity is the diamond dust with which Heaven polishes its jewels.

Cringe (-1)

The entire Leanne’s-dinner-music conversation.

Outfit of the Episode:

Veronica’s cater-waiter disguise. Seriously, have you ever seen a worse wig? (It was really hard to get a screen cap of this, because everyone in Neptune keeps their house so dark all the time.)

Song of the Episode:

There’s some great musical choices in this episode. Lily Dreams On, as Veronica dreams of Lilly, is great. But I think my choice for this episode is Bad Boyfriend, by Garbage. I’ve heard it described as a little too on-the-nose, but I like the way it’s used. It plays first as Veronica is approaching Logan in the hallway, ready to pretend that everything is fine even though she believes he’s a murderer. But then it’s reprised as we watch Logan on the bridge, contemplating suicide. Despite his volatile relationship with Lilly and now Veronica, he’s not actually the bad boyfriend, guys.

And if you listen to the lyrics of the song, that guy isn’t the bad boyfriend, either. Shirley Manson is singing about a toxic relationship in which the girlfriend could be the source of the problems: I wanna hear you call out my name/I wanna see you burn up in flames, and I can make you happy, at least now and then/I've got something special for my bad boyfriend. Some people interpret this as a Friends With Benefits situation, and the girl is settling for that because she’s so attracted to this guy. But really: So ripe, so sweet, come suck it and see/But watch out daddy, I sting like a bee. Does she sound like she’s pining? The only thing indicating the boyfriend is bad is the title of the song.

So it is with Lilly and Logan: from the start of the season, it seems on the surface like Logan is the bad boyfriend. It’s what everyone expects of him, and the lens through which he’s constantly interpreted. But in actuality, he loved Lilly, and she was the one who toyed with him. When we come back to the song on the bridge, we’ve realized that it doesn’t apply like we thought it did, and it’s actually sort of the curse of Logan’s existence. Everyone expects him to be bad.

Anyway. Fun fact: Dave Growl was the drummer on this song!

Anachronism of the episode

This episode is so jam-packed with action that I don’t think there was space for any anachronisms!

If you’ve been keeping track at home, you may have noticed that this episode gives us a new high score. But I’ll get into that next time, when I wind up the season’s rankings.

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