1.16 Betty and Veronica

Score: 10

Story: 2/5

Polly, the school's parrot mascot (they’re the Pirates), has been kidnapped, and Vice Principal Van Clemens wants Veronica on the case! She has to infiltrate Pan High, Neptune’s cross-town rivals, where she quasi-enrolls as a student named Betty. Get it, like Riverdale? (The comics, of course—this was many years before the TV show. But as part of the joke, “Betty” even tells people she just transferred from Riverdale.)

Veronica’s feeling particularly jaded about Neptune High because Wallace has made a ton of friends by being a basketball star, and Meg and Duncan are all up in each other’s mouths all the time (except in one scene where I’m pretty sure it’s Meg’s body double because it definitely doesn’t look like Alona Cal). Despite playing an instrumental role in getting Meg and Duncan together and seeming to choose the high road at the school dance, Veronica has now turned all surly. Meg is noticing, and it’s getting her down.

Pan High, on the other hand, seems to contain the middle class that’s missing from Neptune (unclear if this is a different town or not). She cozies up to the Pan popular kids in an effort to find out who stole Polly. All the students at Pan High appear to be in their 30s, except the dork who lies about stealing Polly.

In the meantime, someone has stolen the Pan High mascot (a goat) in retaliation. Things take a grisly turn when a package of butchered goat meat gets delivered to the Pan High lunchroom, complete with a cowbell (or goatbell, I guess) on a ribbon. This turns out to be just a prank—Wallace and his basketbuds have the goat in the back of a van.

Beyond the Pan High kids, there’s no shortage of other suspects. Was it Weevil, in an attempt to sabotage Neptune and make a killing as a bookie? Was it the Students Against Animal Cruelty, who think Polly’s captivity is a crime against nature? The plot thickens when an anonymous person threatens Polly’s life unless Wallace—Neptune’s star player—sits out the game. But the number 13 on a tennis shoe reveals that it was an inside job: another Neptune player, who played Wallace’s position last year. He wanted to sideline Wallace so he could start, and throw the game, thereby winning a ton of money by betting against Neptune while everyone else was betting on them. Weevil, as the bookie, was also in on it, but he doesn’t get any comeuppance because I guess no one expects any better of him.

Plot: 5/5

This episode is full of plot movement, much of which we get via flashbacks interspersed with the dueling mascot plot.

Leanne was in a hotel room at the Neptune Grand with Jake Kane at the time of Lilly’s murder. That’s how she knew he was innocent and tried to convince Keith not to go after him. (Of course, we and Veronica know that Lilly’s time of death was wrong.) She was there, she claims, because she’d heard a voicemail Celeste left for Veronica. (Leanne acts like this was a threatening voicemail, but actually, Celeste was just offering to tell Veronica the truth about her mom and Jake.) Leanne wanted Jake to convince Celeste to leave Veronica alone, or Leanne would have a paternity test done and “take him for millions.” Veronica tearfully asks if Leanne is sure that such a test would prove Jake Kane is her father; Leanne admits she doesn’t know.

We also learn that Celeste actually caught Jake and Leanne at the Neptune Grand and stormed out. Did she go straight home and murder Lilly??

Veronica uses all her college savings to check her mom into rehab. Booo! I get that she’s your mom, but this woman is not exactly tugging on my heartstrings.

Veronica exploits Leo yet again by getting him to steal the interrogation tapes for her. She listens to Jake and Celeste Kane describe being at the Neptune Grand together at the time of Lilly’s murder, but their stories don’t match up. Now we know why Keith was immediately suspicious of them.

Veronica bugs Clarence Wiedman’s office and uses his bug against him, claiming to know who got the Kane payout after Abel Koontz confessed. This leads her to learn that Abel Koontz has a daughter—Amelia duLongpre.

I have a few problems with this episode:

1: Veronica is kind of a brat. She’s mean to Meg even though she's the one that brought Meg and Duncan together in the last episode, and she makes fun of Wallace for being popular (though she's secretly behind his spirit boxes).

2: Leanne is like the world's worst mom and I hate her. She was cheating on her husband and doesn't know who Veronica's real father is; she abandoned Veronica without a word of explanation; and on top of all that, she's shit-faced but refuses to stop drinking while Veronica begs her to talk. I really hate this woman (and it's only going to get worse). It's painful to watch Veronica try to parent this woman. Also, Leanne knows that Veronica might be Jake Kane's son but acts like Celeste was out of line to not want Veronica and her maybe-half-brother dating?

3: No matter how many times I've watched it, I'm always initially confused about the whole gambling subplot. And doesn't Weevil have to know--or at least be able to deduce--who stole Polly, if he knows which player is planning to throw the game? This plot is too convoluted and does not hold water.

And finally: what the hell happened with Clarence Wiedman? Why'd he follow Veronica all the fucking way to Barstow just to walk out of the fucking bar once he saw Veronica was there with Leanne??

Iconic Lines: (+4)

• You’re not gonna believe it! They got our goat!

• Weevil wanna punch a cracker.

• Veronica: Can you do me a weird favor without asking any questions?

  Wallace: Isn’t that the bedrock upon which our friendship is founded?

• Grab your lip gloss and your pepper spray, sweetheart; your date's here!

  
  

Cringe (-1)

• Whoever it was who said it's a man's world had no idea how easy it is sometimes to be a girl. Wow, you can infiltrate the jock's table because they want to fuck you. Who needs feminism?!

  
  

Outfit of the Episode

Veronica’s “Betty” outfit: She ditches the army green and just goes HAM on the pink.

Song of the Episode

Fall Behind Me by The Donnas. This is playing in the background at the rest stop 15 scene.

Anachronism of the Episode

The entire Riverdale name scheme schtick is a deliberate anachronism—a wink because no one but Veronica knows who the Archie gang is. It’s knowledge I can totally see her picking up unwillingly from Keith.

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